How   to    Make    a    Woman    Happy

It’s   not    difficult    to    make    a    woman    happy.  

A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. i ntelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing….

You’re okay with it, because you get to watch sports and play on the Internet all night…

You hear her stumble into bed around 4 and laugh knowing she’s going to have a monster hangover….

You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night….

You sigh in relief because it’s all in one piece….

You circle the car looking for dents and find none….

But …. Wait a minute~

Blind Date - Once You Go black, You Never Go Back

This is what happens when a blind date goes wrong or right…..depending on who you ask….

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.  He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

He whispered back, “I found the remote!”

Wedding Anniversary -

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was REALLY angry.

She told him, “Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!”

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped
in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday.

Please pray for him.

The 5 Questions Most Feared By Men

——————————————–

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed
to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.
tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is
analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question #1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of
course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting
on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you
are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which
most likely is one of the following: a. “Football.” b. “Golf.” c. “How
fat you are.” d. “How I would spend the insurance money if you died.”

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who
once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be
talking to you!”

Question #2: Do you love me? The proper response is: “Yes!” or, if you
feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”

Inappropriate responses include: a. “Oh yeah, sh*tloads.” b. “Would it
make you feel better if I said yes?” c. “That depends on what you mean
by love.” d. “Does it matter?” e. “Who, me?”

Question #3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of
course not!”

Incorrect answers are: a. “Compared to what?” b. “I wouldn’t call you
fat, but you’re not exactly thin.” c. “A little extra weight looks good
on you.” d. “I’ve seen fatter.” e. “Sorry, what did you say? I was just
thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.”

Question #4: Do you think she’s prettier than me? Once again, the proper
response is an emphatic: “Of course not!”

Incorrect responses include: a. “Yes, but you have a better
personality.” b. “Not prettier, but definitely thinner.” c. “Not as
pretty as you when you were her age.” d. “Define pretty.” e. “Sorry what
did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance
money if you died.”

Question #5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.
(The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Ferrari and a boat.”)

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of
follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not — don’t you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
Man: Okay, I’d get married again.
Woman: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
Man: (audible groan)
Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of
her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can’t use them — she’s left-handed.
Woman: (silence)
Man: Sh*t.