Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her
birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her
mother what she wanted. “Mom, I Want! a bike for my birthday.”
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble
at  school and at home. Little Carol’s mother asked her if she thought she
deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought
she did.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

How   to    Make    a    Woman    Happy

It’s   not    difficult    to    make    a    woman    happy.  

A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. i ntelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

HEALTH ALERT — DANGEROUS NEW VIRUS
      There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically,
      orally, and by hand.
      This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If
      you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone
      else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your
      private life completely.
      If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and
      take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the
      antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or
      Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote
      repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your
      system.
      You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5
      friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your
      life.

NO SPEAKA DA ENGLISH
>
>A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
>conversation.
>
>The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention
>is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
>
>”Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
>once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and
>pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”
>
>The lady can’t take this any more,
>
>”You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,” she retorted indignantly. “In this
>country. we don’t speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.
>
>
>
>”Hey, coola down lady,” said the man.
>
>
>”Who talkin’ about a sex? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spell
>Mississippi ‘.”
>
>      $5.00 says you’re gonna read this again!

GOTTA LOVE KIDS (LITTLE BOYS)
 
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
 The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”
 
“Eight,” the boy replied.
 
The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”
 
The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him.
 
He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do either one.”

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over
>his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour,
>surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial
>sponge bath.
>
>Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”
>
>Embarrassed, the young nurse replies “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to

>wash your upper body and feet.”
>
>He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”
>
>Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
>she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She

>raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the
>other, lifting and moving them around.
>
>Then, she takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them,
>Sir !!”
>
>The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
>”Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very
>closely….
>
>A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s b a c k ? “

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the
bees.
“I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me
you won’t tell me.”
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, “When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’
speech.

At seven, I got the ‘There’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech.

If you’re going to tell me that grown-ups don’t really get laid, I’ll
have nothing left to live for.”

Kids are quick; you gotta love them!!!

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on “My Dog” is
exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy
his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it’s the same dog..
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps
on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing….

You’re okay with it, because you get to watch sports and play on the Internet all night…

You hear her stumble into bed around 4 and laugh knowing she’s going to have a monster hangover….

You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night….

You sigh in relief because it’s all in one piece….

You circle the car looking for dents and find none….

But …. Wait a minute~

Blind Date - Once You Go black, You Never Go Back

This is what happens when a blind date goes wrong or right…..depending on who you ask….